We ask on our 'Signature Program' video, if you watch it through 'What does it take to have a resilient partnership or marriage?'
What does it take to save a marriage, or even if you decide to split up, how to remain good friends anyway.
This information can help save any relationship, so please enjoy the read....and take extra care right now of those that matter most to you.
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. ~Einstein
So I ask you again, what is the secret ingredient to a good marriage or relationship of any kind.
Put simply, it is trust, built over time.
If you say you will do something, do your best to fulfill your promise.
If you cannot complete it for some reason, then do what you can to communicate why it didn't happen or won't happen and a time frame you may be able to now make it happen, or potentially solve the issue another way, but please make sure you take the time to explain your plan of action, and follow it through.
It's kind of like this; if a report is due, perhaps give yourself and extra day or two when you give them a date it will be delivered and then surprise and delight them by getting it to them a day or so early, where possible. The only issue with this is that you may, if you are anything like me, use this time to improve upon your own work, which is not a bad idea either! The point is that, you can increase trust by managing people's expectations and delivering early, or perhaps delivering above and beyond people's expectations.
I would rather have the truth, which is sometimes hard to hear, than someone shutting me out. If you are upset with me, perhaps take your frustration out on a punching bag, and then communicate how you feel and be as up front and honest as you can so we can try and resolve it in a way that works for all parties concerned.
Trust can be gained and lost easily. It is not something to mess with as it is harder to get back than you think, once lost. We have to be so ridiculously careful how we react in the moment and do our best to give us that pause, time to let the initial emotional surge relax a bit, and then choose our words and responses as wisely as possible.
A little bit of doubt around whether you can trust someone is a scary thing when you are asking them to back you in. Giving trust up front, can gain trust in return and result in them giving you theirs if you show you care about them and their views and opinions.
Honestly & Integrity saves relationships, and can also save your life, you partner's life and even your children's lives.
You can ask yourself the following questions perhaps:
Am I the man or woman I know I can be (in the face of this challenge)?
Do I genuinely have the other party's best interests at heart & am I acting in a trustworthy way?
Do I have a friendship at the bases of my relationship (of any kind really and am I treating them like a friend)?
Am I, on a daily basis, teaching people trustworthy behaviour?
Many people forget that this is what is forms the basis of any married or intimate relationship, a best friendship first.
A sexual relationship should really come from this trusting behaviour. A baby then, can also come from this, a coupling, a pairing and a massive responsibility to act in their best interests always.
We tend to think of our partners ' I hope he is the man that I believe him to be' and that if he does his best, then I will back him all the way.
If one happens to let the other down, hopefully they can 'flip it' and all is not lost (there is another blog post on this)....
HOWEVER....
Think of the movie Frozen....one man helps her and supports her to save her Sister and goes through all sorts of things to do so and accidentally ends up saving not only her, but gaining a best make friend and saving the kingdom. He is by her side and wants to be there, through anything.
The other one gets given the castle to look after while she is out busy, saving her Sister and the kingdom, and is trusted by her completely and innocently. He then takes advantage of that trust and becomes something rather horrible by acting in an underhanded way.
She does not like it one little bit once she realises (the problem could be sometimes is that she might realise who he really is, but others around her take his word for it that she is the problem, not him...more to come on this below).
Whilst reading this article, please note that there are so many beautiful people inside and out, male & female, in this world.
Sometimes we just want to leap into the arms of someone safe, most likely someone we love...think of the Movie 'Love Actually' in the airport scene.
At other times we want to melt into them, or snuggle closely into them, to quote Carrie Bickmore in Sex & The City, settle into 'The Nook', the bit under their arm when lying down together because they soothe us with their presence and somehow help us carry the load we have on us.
The opposite is true when people are being underhanded. We may struggle to want to be intimate with them, because we may not feel entirely safe with them, which is actually a bit devastating, especially when trust is eroded in long term relationship.
Men can take a beautiful (inside and/or out) woman and gain her trust and she allows him to know her intimately, and then may try to control her. This can happen to men too, by women! Sometimes it can be because of their own insecurities but their may be other factors like devastating circumstances, accidents and injuries.
Even Father's & Mother's can do this without realising that the restrictions and expectations can be stifling. Having said this, if they are seeing worrying behaviour then this is very different as perhaps spending more time with someone is necessary to understand what is actually going on in their lives and their thinking.
Speaking of their own misfortunes and experiences and stories can really help others feel 'normal' through their own challenges.
However, if disputes exist and grudges are held and people are told things that undermine someone, to help them gain control over them, it can become unhealthy and have negative mental health consequences (we have to be aware people can lose themselves in a relationship or in fear because they are not being treated well or there is just little communication so misunderstandings can occur).
We have to keep in mind that questions need to be asked so healthy communication can occur as partners and extended family may not even mean to be doing the wrong thing or withholding information, or not visiting them enough, they may just be super busy and struggling to fit it all in.
It can feel like people, even our own friends and family are ganging up on us, when there is actually no real reason for them to do so.
Many go internal to cope and find it difficult to communicate how they feel, and they may also want control of an innocent person who doesn't want to be like everyone else or follow the crowd.
Think of a slightly rebellious stallion or mare horse, (I refer to horses because you can understand that humans break in horses, that are completely innocent, sometimes in an unhealthy way).
People, even relatives can try and break people in (so they concede and do things their way, or submit to controlling leadership) in an unhealthy way that can lead to them withdrawing even more from everyone, and they can start to go down.
Hopefully they survive this, with other supportive relationships around them or even a healthy community group like a church, sporting, work team or environment can assist.
There are many healthy ways of going about building friendships with humans and animals and we can influence them this way, in a healthy way that sets them up for life.
Those that are taught to worry about other people's opinions of them, can try and make it so they look like the 'good guy' and sadly may be ok with letting others think of their partners badly or as lacking in some way, especially if the relationship is on the rocks.
They are so concerned about what 'other people' outside of their families think of them that they forget to look after the ones that are closest to them, that have given them everything and backed them completely. Resentment can grow unless gratitude is expressed and they still include this person in their affairs, instead of leaving them out of their every day experiences.
There is also the opposite situation, where a partner can be condemed by a woman's family members too, for standing up to them, because they have complete control over her and want her the way she used to be.
A male can also 'cop it' when he wants his partner to be her true self and may struggle because of the judgement and controlling behaviour of others. Some may want to try to break them apart for selfish reasons.
It is wise to choose carefully those you open up to mentally, physically, sexually, & emotionally. Even then, please be careful with people's hearts and your own and do your best to demonstrate the kind of behaviour you wish to see.
Women need partners for their children that are dedicated to being excellent parents and who will work together no matter what, to get themselves and their kids through every challenge that comes their way.
Sometimes relationships change too and those that were intimate, can change to become friends, even best friends if it is done very wisely.
The way I have handled tough situations in the past is to go out of my way to explain things in a calm and respectful manner as possible and keep honest communication as my goal to clear up issues, challenges and misconceptions (having said this, a healthy dose of emotion can help get a point across because people see that this is very real for you and that they need to listen), almost pleading with people sometimes, to listen to a different perspective (which can save the day if they are willing to listen for long enough)!!
I admit that I tend to back people in as much as I can and think the best of them and I think this is because I cannot help but worry about their health and well being if someone doesn't take a bit of a stand for them! I also give those that are absent in meetings or discussions the benefit of the doubt, and a chance to explain their side (if someone is giving them a hard time or saying something negative about them).
This is why I have so much love and respect for people like Anthony Robbins, Brendon Burchard, Dr John Demartini and some of the other incredible motivational, personal development, business leaders and speakers, because they tend to do the same and help people no matter their beliefs or situations, and who go to great lengths to explain concepts in a new way and work through their issues and share their own stories.
These people have been my mentors and I take their stories, teachings, advice, guidance and love for all of us very seriously and have implemented as much as I can in my own life.
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I would make sure you make time for your friendships and your children, make things fun and enjoyable, not hard core serious or stressful, all of the time.
Being honest can sometimes feel hard, but if the message is delivered at the right time and place, in a way that is compassionate, so that they know you have their best interests at heart, they will be more likely to respond well and continue to share things with you.
Young men and women can feel so deeply that it is hard for them to cope with their deep feelings and emotions, and they may find it easier to bottle them up, than fully express themselves.
This is ok, if they have one or two trusted people that they can turn to and be honest with. If they can find a way to express themselves through creative arts like singing, and even dance or take their frustrations out on the sporting field, they are more likely to cope with complex relationship issues and other challenges, especially those that come from others who may be struggling as well.
For men and women of all ages and stages, it may be a case of them withdrawing if they don't feel they can trust older people or their peer groups also, and need this work that we do at Resilience Rituals is needed more than ever. We all do this sometimes, but staying withdrawn is not a good outcome for them.
Innocent people can pray to GOD that things change or work out and/or become prey to others.
Scary but true.
It is important to address issues up front and communicate how others make others feel and why; and take the time and effort to do so, because this explanation can literally change their understanding and lives through the perspective of another.
This can also be done financially where one party has control of the money and will not even provide them with a decent allowance, or give them access to enough of their own funds.
This is also why money matters must be taught to young people, so that they know how to manage money and we encourage every individual not to pool all of their finances with someone else, but to be individually financially stable and resourceful, and cannot be as easily manipulated or controlled.
This can happen to any of us...even those that at some stage in their life may have been flying financially, but who may have invested money into people or businesses or other things that may not be returning the investment yet, through no fault of their own...perhaps partly because of a pandemic even! Unexpected circumstances and events can change businesses and people's situations, and they can feel it heavily financially and emotionally.
Perhaps their honestly and trust was taken advantage of and they lost a bit of confidence in themselves because they cannot believe that someone would treat them like that.
This could be kind of like the character Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, who is incredible, and who keeps fighting, loving and leading because she has to in order to survive. You could even liken it to 'The Matrix' where the main character comes up against psychological barriers and challenges and is in training almost to become the best version of themselves.
Unfortunately in the process, it can become a bit 'sick', as the mistreatment of a person can wreck them a bit too much, on a soul level. Even a strong person, can struggle desperately like Katniss did. Think of our war veterans also.
To me, it is obvious that mental health issues come from the mistreatment of a person.
The opposite is also true, when people are treated well, and empowered then they in turn empower others and show them what healthy is.
Some of these people who go through lifetimes of such hatred or malice or even cruelty directed towards them unfairly (perhaps due to jealousy of their looks, assets or ability or other people's envy or even lack of confidence that causes them to back out on them, or perhaps manipulating a situation so that they look 'clean' to those around them), can, if they have enough support, make it to enough finish lines (think Hunger Games again) in order to accomplish just enough, in tough circumstances, so they feel like they are gaining back some ground in their own lives.
This movie showed that others may see their struggles as entertainment that they can watch from the side lines, but those living it can feel like it is more like going through 'The valley of death' because of how deeply it challenges them....even those with a sense of humor. ; }
To those around them, they sometimes need to say something like: Are you in or out on me (and perhaps our family, if they are partnered and especially if they have children together)? Perhaps taking some time on your own, celibate even, being patient, asking questions & loving hard can help.
If you are 'in', which is sort of what you signed up for when you married them or decided to be their friend, or adopted them into your life, then just how 'in' are you? Is it one foot in, one foot out? They will eventually know either way, and perhaps start resenting you if you don't back them in when it matters most.
I love the lyrics of a Savage Garden song which went something similar to this: I back you even if you get it wrong!
Their album was called Truely, Madly, Deeply and I love them for this album and it's title. The lyrics are beautiful of the song with this title also.
If Next Gen Youth in particular, who are going to be leaders one day, are not backed in a healthy way, while they grow and learn and train, we can literally break their spirits. If this happens we can lose them to suicide or illegal substances and addictions to 'escape', which is a way of coping, which is absolutely devastating.
There is an animated movie called 'Spirit' that I suggest everyone watch, with a theme song by Bryan Adams which depicts how life's challenges can shape humans and animals for the better or worse. I adore this film especially for people 16 years and below.
Also, when I was young, I went to a Youth Group and they spoke about his a bit and played the Song 'Man in the Mirror' by Michael Jackson which suggested that we could start changing the world, with the man or woman we see in the mirror, so perhaps by changing ourselves, we can also bring about change in others and on organisations and in the creative arts and music, education and in our relationships also.
I also love Gaga's song from the movie Top Gun with the opening line 'Help me, lead me back....I wont let go 'til the end...don't you let go of my hand...I won't leave 'til I understand'....also she made a point of remaking Barbara Streisand's movie 'A Star is Born'.
I get all choked up thinking about Bradley Cooper's performance in this film...it was almost too good and many ball their eyes out. He was a singer and then she came into his life. He put everything he had into her, gave her everything...then the unthinkable happened, it is so worth watching.
I suggest you never pick on people's appearances or anything nasty about them as a person, or cling to them as though they are more special than you are.
People who are willing to listen better than others and hear information that can change lives and 'BE WILLING' to SHARE IT WITH OTHERS...and not withhold important information, especially information that could save others lives are so worth your time.
'Robbie even said it in the song "Feel': .....I need to feel real love and the life ever after....Come and hold my hand....not sure I understand..."
And then there is the film 'Ever After' & 'Tangled' for our younger generation (so hopefully no age group is missing these message from our incredible creators, singers & actors).
Harry Styles says in his lyrics 'What are we always stuck & running from...just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times....remember everything will be alright'.
Sometimes, challenges come our way that are out or our control and are hard on many, and how we react really is the key and can save not only your own life, but other's lives.
I would add that everything will be alright if we work together and stick to our daily, weekly, monthly and yearly rituals and join forces in a way that focuses on solutions to local and worldwide problems.
As Aerosmith said, in 'I don't want to miss a thing'.....'every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure'.
Perhaps don't try and be someone else, just perhaps be your TRUE SELF & give TRUE LOVE, made up of appreciation, honest feedback and gratitude to others you care for.
Real love has no boundaries and can be given to anyone, not just your married partner, but obviously honesty matters to stop potential jealousy and misunderstandings.
I suggest we all 'Love each other Hard' through it all. Relationships take unconditional love and the willingness to seek understanding.
However, Beyonce says don't do this!
I maintain that two people who decide not to stay together in a married partnership can still remain good friends. This is important especially for the health and well being of their children, as not having good communication between ex partners can heavily impact upon kids and put too much strain on single parents if things are very strained between them.
Robbie later said in his song 'Love My Life'....I will never let go completely....one day your hands will be strong enough to hold me...I might not be there for all your battles, but you'll win them eventually....I am not my mistakes, and GOD knows I've made a few....I started to question the Angels, and the answer they gave was you....I cannot promise there won't be sadness, I wish I could take it from you....You'll find the courage to face the madness.
I love my life....I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am free, I am wonderful, I am magical, I am me....Run far, Run free, I am with you....And finally I am where I want to be.'
I believe the song is about his relationship with his children.
We help people feel safe to be themselves, and not try and be anyone else, however, perhaps take on the values or qualities & rituals of those they admire for all the right reasons.
Please use your WIT, your intellect, your compassion and your patience and please also be gentle towards others. My advice is to treat them the way you would want to be treated as best you can, knowing you will make mistakes and this is ok.
Have we covered everything? Probably not....
....but perhaps it is Just ENOUGH.
Breathe and relax as you are not expected to be perfect.
Perhaps it's time to grab our free resources so perhaps put your details in the box and join us now, rather than skirting around the edges...here is the link to our signature course
PS.
We can think of it like this, our relationship with anything living, is full of GOD's energy, as energy is what we all are and what is created when we 'do' anything. 'Do-ing' things with the right intentions behind the action, (like this blog post perhaps, in order to help others) is what makes the difference.
No matter your religion, perhaps we can put our faith in other people, with caution, questioning and explanation; keeping in mind that some religious teachings are embedded in our culture and society in ways we do not fully understand or comprehend, which is ok as they can be explored, debated and celebrated, which is healthy.
Our interpretation really matters. We have to be careful with the meanings we make in our thoughts and the resultant actions we take, along with what is said in stressful or challenging circumstances.
If you are unsure what action to take, perhaps take your time to think it all through and even seek advice from a professional or mentor.
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