We ask on our 'Signature Program' video, if you watch it through 'What does it take to have a resilient partnership or marriage?'
What does it take to save a marriage, or even if you decide to split up, how to remain good friends anyway.
This information can help save any relationship, so please enjoy the read....and take extra care right now of those that matter most to you.
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. ~Einstein
So I ask you again, what is the secret ingredient to a good marriage or relationship of any kind (funnily enough, when I typed kind, I missed the 'n' and wrote 'kid')?
Put simply, it is trust.
If you say you will do something, do it.
If you cannot do it for some reason, then communicate why it didn't happen or won't happen and a time frame you may be able to now make it happen, or potentially solve the issue another way, but please make sure you take the time to explain your plan of action, and follow it through.
It's kind of like this; if a report is due, perhaps give yourself and extra day or two when you give them a date it will be delivered and then surprise and delight them by getting it to them a day or so early if you can. The only issue with this is that you may, if you are anything like me, use this time to improve upon your own work, which is not a bad idea actually. The point is that, you can increase trust by managing people's expectations.
I would rather have the truth, which is sometimes hard to hear, than someone shutting me out. If you are upset with me, perhaps take your frustration out on a punching bag, and then communicate how you feel and be as up front and honest as you can so we can try and resolve it in a way that works for all parties concerned.
Trust can be gained and lost easily. It is not something to mess with as it is harder to get back than you think, once lost. We have to be so ridiculously careful how we react in the moment and do our best to give us that pause, time to let the initial emotional surge relax a bit, and then choose our words and responses as wisely as possible.
A little bit of doubt around whether you can trust someone is a scary thing when you are asking them to back you in. Giving trust up front, can gain trust in return and result in them giving you theirs if you show you care about them and their views and opinions.
Honestly & Integrity saves relationships, and can also save your life and even your children's lives.
You can ask yourself the following questions perhaps:
Am I the man or woman I know I can be (in the face of this challenge)?
Do I genuinely have the other party's best interests at heart & am I acting in a trustworthy way?
Do I have a friendship at the bases of my relationship (of any kind really and am I treating them like a friend)?
Am I, on a daily basis, teaching people trustworthy behaviour?
Many people forget that this is what is forms the basis of any married or intimate relationship, a best friendship first.
A sexual relationship should really come from this. A baby then, can also come from this, a coupling, a pairing and a massive responsibility to act in their best interests always.
Women tend to think ' I hope he is the man that I believe him to be' and that if he does his best, then I will back him all the way.
If he happens to let her down, hopefully he can 'flip it' and all is not lost (there is another blog post on this)....
HOWEVER....
Think of the movie Frozen....one man helps her and supports her to save her Sister and goes through all sorts of things to do so and accidentally ends up saving not only her, but gaining a best make friend and saving the kingdom.
The other one gets given the castle to look after while she is out busy, saving her Sister and the kingdom, and is trusted by her completely and innocently. He then takes advantage of that trust and becomes something rather horrible by acting in an underhanded way and she does not like it one little bit once she realises (the problem sometimes is that she might realise who he really is, but others around her take his word for it that she is the problem, not him...more to come on this below).
Whilst ready this article, please note that there are so many beautiful people, males and females in this world. Sometimes we just want to leap into the arms of someone safe, most likely someone we love...think of the Movie 'Love Actually' in the airport scene.
At other times we want to melt into them, or snuggle closely into them, to quote Carrie Bickmore in Sex & The City, the Nook, the bit under their arm when lying down together because they soothe us with their presence and somehow help us carry the load we have on us.
The opposite is true when people are being underhanded. We struggle to want to be intimate with them, because we may not feel entirely safe with them, which is actually a bit devastating, especially when it happens in long term relationship.
Men can take a beautiful (inside and/or out) woman and gain her trust and she allows him to know her intimately, and then want to control her. Even Father's & Mother's can do this without realising that the restrictions and expectations can be stifling. Parents and grandparents and even relatives can also seem to turn against someone if they are told things that undermine that person, to help them gain that control (or give them the view that they are a good person and the beautiful woman is somehow not alright mentally and can't trust her). They may not even mean to or see what is going on until later, assuming the person is strong enough to survive it, by getting the right kind of support.
They can literally turn family members that perhaps they marry into, against their own Son's or Daughter's, or make them question them and trust them less, or put doubt in their minds about their mental health, which can be a bit scary, and it is hard for that person to recover. It takes unconditional love in a family to cope with this sort of thing, and it is too easy for people to take sides.
It can feel like people, even their own friends and family are ganging up on them when there is actually no real reason for them to do so (because they go internal to cope and find it difficult to communicate how they feel), and they may also want control of an innocent, and perhaps slightly rebellious stallion or mare who doesn't want to be like everyone else or follow the crowd (I refer to horses because you can understand that humans break in horses, that are completely innocent, sometimes in an unhealthy way).
There are healthy ways of going about building friendships with humans and animals and we can influence them this way, in a healthy way that sets them up for life. Or those that worry about other people's opinions of them, can try and make it so they look like the 'good guy' and are happy to let others think of their partners as lacking in some way.
They are so concerned about what 'other people' outside of their families think of them that they forget to look after the ones that are closest to them, that have given them everything and backed them completely.
People, even relatives can try and break them in (so they concede and do things their way, or submit to their leadership) in an unhealthy way that can lead to them withdrawing even more from everyone, and start to go down.
There is also the opposite situation, where a partner can be slammed by a beautiful woman's family members too, for standing up to them, because they have complete control over her and want her the way she used to be....a rebel or rule breaker who is a male can also 'cop it' when he wants her to be her true self and struggles because of the judgement of others coming in, trying to break them apart because they want in on it....a good example is the Brad Pitt, Angel Jolie & Jen Aniston trifecta.
It is wise to choose carefully those you open up to mentally, physically, sexually, & emotionally. Even then, please be careful with their hearts and your own.
Women need partners for their children that will be excellent parents and work together no matter what to get themselves and their kids through every challenge that comes their way.
Sometimes relationships change too and those that were intimate, can change to become friends, even best friends if it is done very wisely.
The way I have handled situations like this in the past is to go out of my way to explain things in a calm and respectful manner as possible (having said this, a healthy dose of emotion can help get a point across because people see that this is very real for you and that they need to listen), almost pleading with people to listen to a different perspective.
I admit that I tend to back the underdog. I think this is because I cannot help but worry about their health and well being if someone doesn't take a bit of a stand for them! This is why I have so much love and respect for people like Anthony Robbins, Brendon Burchard, Dr John Demartini and some of the other incredible motivational, personal development, business leaders and speakers.
These people have been my mentors and I take their stories, teachings, advice, guidance and love for all of us very seriously and have implemented as much as I can.
I also give those that are absent in meetings or discussions the benefit of the doubt, and a chance to explain to me what was said.
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I would make sure you make time for your friendships and your children, make things fun and enjoyable, not hard core or too serious, all of the time.
Being honest, can sometimes feel hard, but if the message is delivered at the right time and place, in a way that is compassionate, so that they know you have their best interests at heart, they will be more likely to respond well and continue to share things with you.
Young girls in particular can feel so deeply that it is hard for them to cope with their deep feelings and emotions, and they may find it easier to bottle them up, than fully express themselves.
This is ok, if they have one or two trusted people that they can turn to and be honest with and even express themselves through creative arts like singing and even dance.
For men and women of all ages and stages, it may be a case of them withdrawing if they don't feel they can trust older people or their peer groups also, and need this work that we do at Resilience Rituals is needed more than ever. We all do.
Innocent people can pray to GOD that things change or work out and/or become prey to others.
Scary but true. That is why I always do what I can to address issues up front and communicate how they make me feel and why and take the time and effort to so when I know that this explanation can literally change their understanding and lives through the perspective of another.
This can also be done financially where one party has control of the money and will not even provide them with a decent allowance, or give them access to their own funds.
Scary once again, throw up worthy too, unless they are generous enough!
This is also why money matters must be taught to young people, so that they know how to manage money and we encourage every individual not to pool all of their finances with someone else, but to be individually financially stable and resourceful also.
This can happen to any of us...even those that at some stage in their life may have been flying financially, but who may have invested money into people or businesses or other things that may not be returning the investment yet, through no fault of their own...perhaps partly because of a pandemic even!
Perhaps their honestly and trust was taking advantage of and they lost a bit of confidence in themselves because they cannot believe that someone would treat them like that.
This could be kind of like the character Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, who is incredible, and who keeps fighting, loving and leading because she has to in order to survive. You could even liken it to 'The Matrix' where the main character comes up against psychological barriers and challenges and is in training almost to become the best version of themselves.
Unfortunately in the process, it can become a bit 'sick', as the mistreatment of a person can wreck them a bit too much, on a soul level. Even a strong person, can struggle desperately like Katniss did. Think of our war veterans also.
To me, it is obvious that mental health issues come from the mistreatment of a person.
The opposite is also true, when people are treated well, and empowered then they in turn empower others and show them what healthy is.
Some of these people who go through lifetimes of such hatred or malice or even cruelty directed towards them unfairly (perhaps due to jealousy of their looks, assets or ability or other people's envy or even lack of confidence that causes them to back out on them, or perhaps manipulating a situation so that they look 'clean' to those around them), can, if they have enough support, make it to enough finish lines (think Hunger Games again) in order to accomplish just enough, in tough circumstances, so they feel like they are gaining back some ground in their own lives.
This movie showed that others may see their struggles as entertainment that they can watch from the side lines, but those living it can feel like it is more like going through 'The valley of death' because of how deeply it challenges them....even those with a sense of humor. ; }
To those around them, they sometimes need to say something like: Are you in or out on me (and perhaps our family, if they are partnered and especially if they have children together)? Perhaps taking some time on your own, celibate even, being patient, asking questions & loving hard can help.
If you are 'in', which is sort of what you signed up for when you married them or decided to be their friend, or adopted them into your life, then just how 'in' are you? Is it one foot in, one foot out? They will eventually know either way, and perhaps start resenting you if you don't back them in when it matters most.
I love the lyrics of a Savage Garden song which went something similar to this: I back you even if you get it wrong!
Their album was called Truely, Madly, Deeply and I love them for this album and it's title. The lyrics are beautiful of the song with this title also.
If Next Gen Youth in particular, who are going to be leaders one day, are not backed in a healthy way, while they grow and learn and train, we can literally break their spirits. If this happens we can lose them to suicide or illegal substances and addictions to 'escape', which is a way of coping, which is absolutely devastating.
There is an animated movie called 'Spirit' that I suggest everyone watch, with a theme song by Bryan Adams. I adore this for everyone but especially for people 16 years and below.
Also, when I was young, I went to a Youth Group and they spoke about his a bit and played the Song 'Man in the Mirror' by Michael Jackson which suggested that we could start changing the world, with the man or woman we see in the mirror, so perhaps by changing ourselves, we can also bring about change in others and on organisations and in the creative arts and music, education and in our relationships also.
I also love Gaga's song from the movie Top Gun with the opening line 'Help me, lead me back....I wont let go 'til the end...don't you let go of my hand...I won't leave 'til I understand'....also she made a point of remaking Barbara Streisand's movie 'A Star is Born'.
I get all choked up thinking about Bradley Cooper's performance in this film...it was almost too good and made me ball my eyes out. He was a singer and then she came into his life. He put everything he had into her, gave her everything...then the unthinkable happened, it is so worth watching.
I suggest you never pick on people's appearances or anything nasty about them as a person, or cling to them as though they are more special than you are.
People with 'big noses' can 'sniff' out a problem or situation from a million miles away. People with big ears can listen better than others and hear information that can change lives and do so by 'BEING WILLING' to stand up and SHARE IT WITH OTHERS...and not withhold important information, especially information that could save others lives.
'Robbie even said it in the song "Feel': .....I need to feel real love and the life ever after....Come and hold my hand...I want to contact the living....not sure I understand..."
And then there is the film 'Ever After' & 'Tangled' for our gorgeous kidlets (said on purpose as I call them this at home) (so hopefully no age group is missing these message from our incredible creators, singers & actors).
Harry Styles said 'What are we always stuck & running from...just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times....remember everything will be alright'.
I would add that everything will be alright if we work together and stick to our daily, weekly, monthly and yearly rituals and join forces in a way that focuses on solutions to local and worldwide problems.
As Aerosmith said, in 'I don't want to miss a thing'.....'every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure'.
Perhaps don't try and be someone, just perhaps be your TRUE SELF & give TRUE LOVE to others you care for.
Real love has no boundaries and can be given to anyone, not just your married partner.
I suggest we all 'Love Hard'.
Beyonce says don't do this boys....
I maintain that two people who decide not to stay together in a married partnership can still remain good friends. This is important especially for the health and well being of your children, as not having good communication between ex partners can heavily impact upon young kids and put too much strain on single parents if things are very strained between them.
Robbie later said in his song 'Love My Life'....I will never let go completely....one day your hands will be strong enough to hold me...I might not be there for all your battles, but you'll win them eventually....I am not my mistakes, and GOD knows I've made a few....I started to question the Angels, and the answer they gave was you (when i listened I though this might be about his kids)....I cannot promise there won't be sadness, I wish I could take it from you....You'll find the courage to face the madness....I love my life....I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am free, I am wonderful, I am magical, I am me....Run far, Run free, I am with you....And finally I am where I want to be.'
I believe the song is about all of our children.
I want them to feel that they can feel safe to be themselves, and not try and be anyone else, however, perhaps take on the values or qualities & rituals of those they admire for all the right reasons.
Please use your WIT, your intellect, your compassion and your patience and please be gentle towards others. My advice is to treat them the way you would want to be treated.
Have we covered everything? Probably not....
....but perhaps it is Just ENOUGH. Breathe.
Perhaps it's time to grab our free resources so perhaps put your details in the box and join us now, rather than skirting around the edges...here is the link to our signature course
PS.
Perhaps we can think of GOD this way and put our faith in him or her or their energy to guide us....or perhaps his/her energy and teachings are embedded in our culture and society in ways we do not fully understand or comprehend.
We can think of it like this, our relationship with anything living, is full of GOD's energy, as energy is what we all are and what is created when we 'do' anything. 'Do-ing' things (like this blog post perhaps, in order to help others) that makes the difference. Writing down my thoughts helps me so much. I hope me 'doing' this for you helps you too. I also hope you can do it all with unconditional love.
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