How To Have A Resilient Relationship

How to Save & Improve Your Relationship (of Any Kind)

We ask on our 'Signature Program' video, if you watch it through 'What does it take to have a resilient friendship, partnership (in business or life of any kind) or marriage?'

What does it really take to create a life long Marriage?

Or even if you decide to split up, how you can possibly remain good friends anyway.

Keep in mind when reading this that if someone feels let down, a good chat can help, and you may have to wait until they are ready. You may not know what is REALLY going on for them.

This information can help save any relationship, so please enjoy the read....and take extra care right now of those that matter most to you. Especially those you have long term relationships with.

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. ~Einstein.

We add here..."and can communicate well how they feel with consideration for the one listening".

So I ask you again, what is the secret ingredient to a good marriage or relationship of any kind?

Put simply, it is trust, built over time. What builds trust? Healthy debate and Communication.

Sometimes it is better to over communicate and repeat ideas and concepts until they become second nature (assuming these concepts are healthy, and genuinely serve). Also, making sure it is clear how these concepts translate into daily action and are understood well.

Communication can literally change the game!

Sometimes we need to ask people not to do something, and change course if more information comes to hand.

If you say you will do something, do your best to fulfill your promise. By doing this, you are building trust over consistently over time.

If you cannot complete it for some reason, then perhaps do what you can to communicate why it didn't happen or better yet, more than likely won't happen and an estimated additional time frame (with a little slack included in case of issues arising that you didn't expect where possible), you should be able to now make it happen.

If you potentially need to solve the issue some other way, due to additional information that you find out, perhaps make sure you take the time to explain your plan of action, and then do your best to follow it through.

The only issue with this is that you may, if you are anything like me, you will use this time to improve upon your own work, which is not a bad idea either! The point is that, you can increase trust by managing people's expectations and perhaps deliver it early, or perhaps deliver above and beyond people's expectations, which is what I always aim to do!

I would rather have the truth, which is sometimes hard to hear, than someone shutting me out. If you are upset with me, perhaps take your frustration out by exercising or by talking it out with someone else that you trust before approaching the actual person you have an issue with, and then, once this is done, perhaps communicate how you feel and be as up front and honest as you can to try and resolve it 'in a way that works' for all parties concerned.

Trust can be gained and lost easily. It is not something to mess with as it is harder to get back than you think, once lost. Therefore, we have to be so ridiculously careful how we react in the moment and do our best to give ourselves that 'pause', time to let the initial emotional surge relax a bit, and then choose our words and responses as wisely as possible....easier said than done and I am not always perfect at this either.

Circumstances out of our control happen. Issues that arise must be communicated well to others, if it means we might let them down without meaning too.

A little bit of doubt around if you can trust someone is a scary thing....but trusting is hopefully worthwhile in the long run. having faith until there is a good reason shown to you not to, is the best way forward. Giving trust up front, can gain trust in return and result in them giving you theirs, if you show you care about them and their views and opinions, and act on these where it makes sense to do so.
Honestly & Integrity saves relationships, and can also save your life, your  partner's life and even your children's lives?

Having said this, it is wise to deliver this truth to people you can trust with it, at the right time, in the right way.

To answer our initial question at the top of the page, I have to say, it might be worth asking yourself the following questions perhaps:

Do I genuinely have the other party's best interests at heart & am I acting in a trustworthy manner? Am I being honest when communicating & acting in an open & caring way? If not, why not? 

Am I the man or woman I know I can be (in the face of this challenge)? How can I do this?

Do I have a friendship at the base of my relationship (of any kind really and am I always treating them like they matter to me)?

Am I, on a daily basis, teaching people (perhaps even my children) trustworthy behaviour?

Many people forget that this is what is forms the basis of any married or intimate relationship, a best friendship first.

A sexual relationship should really come from this trusting behaviour. A baby then, can also come from this, a coupling, a pairing and a massive responsibility to act in their best interests always.

 

Whilst reading this article, please note that there are so many genuine & kind people inside and out, male & female, in this world. I think the majority are trying to do the right thing by others.

Sometimes we just want to leap into the arms of someone safe, most likely someone we feel love for...think of the Movie 'Love Actually' in the famous and familiar airport scene!

At other times we want to almost melt into them, or snuggle closely into them, (or to quote Carrie Bickmore in Sex & The City, settle into 'The Nook', the bit under their arm when lying down snuggled together like in the photo above), because this person soothes us with their presence and somehow helps to manage through life in a healthy way. Obviously this only applies if you are having an intimate relationship with them.

The opposite is true when people may be acting a bit underhanded. We may struggle to want to be intimate with them until the issue is cleared up, if it can be, because we may not feel entirely safe with them, which is actually a bit devastating, when trust is eroded in long term relationships.

It can be re established though with daily commitments being met, along with proof that you are doing everything you can to make a desired outcome happen, perhaps like applying for a job, if you were to be made redundant or lost work for any reason, which can happen. Financial strain on a relationship can be very difficult.

Men can perhaps even have an effect on a young, beautiful (inside and/or out) woman and gain her trust and perhaps she allows him to know her intimately, and then he may sadly try to control her, rather than guide her. This can happen to men too, by women! I sincerely hope that this is not the case for anyone reading this, and many don't even know they are doing it.

Sometimes it can be because of their own insecurities, but there may be other factors at play.

Even Father's & Mother's can do this without realising that the restrictions and expectations on their children can be stifling.

If a parent is seeing worrying behaviour, then perhaps spending more time with their children or their partner is necessary. Only when we to understand what is actually going on in their lives and their thinking by being with them more, can we fully understand what issues they are facing and the motives of the people around them.

Speaking of your own misfortunes and experiences and stories about similar issues you have faced over the years, can really help others feel 'normal' while facing their own unique challenges.

However, if disputes exist and grudges are held and people are told things that undermine someone, it can become unhealthy and have negative mental health consequences (we have to be aware people can lose themselves in a relationship or in fear because they are not being treated well or there is just little communication, so misunderstandings can easily occur).

We have to keep in mind that questions need to be asked so healthy communication can occur as partners and extended family may not even mean to be doing the 'wrong' thing.  Information not bing passed on, may simply be because they are so incredibly busy which is why writing outings on a calendar might help, and checking in with each other each night.

People could even hold grudges about their friends or fail not visiting them enough, but in reality, they may just be super busy and struggling to fit it all in. It could also be too much pressure on one person, especially if chores and food preparation is not shared inside a family unit. It might also be because they have issues we are not even aware of, on our minds.

It can feel like people, even our own friends and family are ganging up on us, when there is actually no real reason for them to do so, or perhaps even to feel this way!

Many go internal, in order to cope and find it difficult to communicate how they feel.

Don't aim to be like everyone else or follow the crowd, just be you... and ask questions of those you care for.

Think of a slightly rebellious stallion or mare horse,  (I refer to horses because you can understand that humans break in horses, that are completely innocent, sometimes in an unhealthy way). This can also be done in a very healthy and respectful way.

People, even relatives can also try and break people in (so they concede and do things their way, or submit to controlling leadership) in an unhealthy way that can lead to them withdrawing even more from everyone, and they can perhaps start to go down.

Hopefully they are not this way for long, with other supportive relationships around them or even a healthy community group like a church, sporting, work team or environment can assist.

 

There are many healthy ways of going about building friendships with humans and animals and we can influence them this way, in a healthy way that sets them up for life!

Those that are taught to worry about other people's opinions of them, can try and make it so they look like the 'good guy or girl' and sadly, may be ok with letting others think of their partners badly or as lacking in some way, especially if the relationship is on the rocks. However, this can be rectified with a good old chat about what is really going on at any point in time.

I hope that no one would ever do this on purpose, as it can really hurt, and sometimes people have it all wrong as so many factors are involved.

To be hurt, and then to lash out and hurt others is not a good move, and can backfire. I think we can only do our best to try not to make mistakes and sometimes, substance abuse like alcohol can play a big part. Drinking can make people more likely to do things they would never normally do!

I think we have to be careful judging, as so many put their efforts into their children, and work so hard, and have all the right intentions and things can still go wrong.

Even getting more information from anyone involved, but checking it thoroughly is sooo important, as so many miss important points that make the difference if they are not spending the time (with and around the people involved) that is required to get to the bottom of a situation.

They are so concerned about what 'other people' outside of their families think of them that they forget to look after the ones that are closest to them, that have given them everything and backed them completely. Resentment can grow unless gratitude is expressed, and they still include this person in their affairs, instead of leaving them out of their every day experiences.

 

A partner can be questioned by a woman's family members or friends too, for standing up to them, because they have complete control over her and want her the way 'she used to be' before he met her perhaps...which can make it difficult.

A male partner can also struggle to back in his partner, and help her to be her true self because of the judgement and controlling behaviour of others. Some may even want to try to break them apart for selfish reasons.....however if the two people care enough to speak to each other about what is happening in their daily lives, then this is less likely to happen.

It is wise to choose carefully those you open up to mentally, physically, sexually, & emotionally. Even then, please be careful with people's hearts and your own and do your best to demonstrate the kind of behaviour you wish to see.

Women and men need partners for their children that are dedicated to being excellent parents and who will work together no matter what, to get themselves and their kids through every challenge that comes their way.

Sometimes relationships change too and those that were intimate, can change to become friends, even best friends if it is done very wisely.

The way I have handled tough situations in the past is to go out of my way to explain things in a calm and respectful manner as possible and keep honest communication as my goal to clear up issues, challenges and misconceptions (having said this, a healthy dose of emotion can help get a point across because people see that this is very real for you and that they need to listen), almost pleading with people sometimes, to listen to a different perspective can save the day, if they are willing to listen for long enough!!

I admit that I tend to back people in as much as I can and think the best of them and I think this is because I cannot help but worry about their health and well being if someone doesn't take a bit of a stand for them!

Even in work situations, I also give those that are absent in meetings or discussions the benefit of the doubt, and a chance to explain their situation at a later date (if someone is giving them a hard time or saying something negative about them).

All of the above is why I have so much love and respect for people like Wayne Dwyer, Anthony Robbins, Brendon Burchard, Dr John Demartini, Kerwin Rae, Joanna Martin,  and some of the other incredible motivational, personal development, business leaders and speakers, because they tend to do the same and help people no matter their beliefs or situations, and who go to great lengths to explain concepts in a new way and work through their issues and share their own stories.

These are some of my mentors, and I encourage you to look them up as their work, as it compliments our work....

...but our work is also very unique & different. We take the best of what we have learned and have lived through, synthesize it into key points (highlighted) and present these topics here!

I like to type but I also like to present in video format, especially since the emergence of AI, as we are seeing information taken and changed up and taught a different way, without it being quoted, and this is sometimes passed off as other people's work who have not done the 'hard yards' or walked the same road and therefore can teach it, but perhaps should not consider themselves mentors.

A mentor is someone who has 'walked The Road Less Traveled' and can take others  through it with far less pain and anguish, perhaps even with a smile on their faces and, a fairly smooth ride even, (and yes, maybe also with some help from God and others along the way that join this journey with them)!

AI is ok, but please remember who the original teachers were and respect their work by quoting it where possible! This is playing fair and giving them a reason to keep writing and sharing their work with you! It takes people's time and energy to put it all together.

As I said, these people listed above have been my mentors and I take their stories, teachings, advice, guidance and love for all of us very seriously and have implemented as much of their teachings, as I can in my own life.

They are people who have had plenty of things 'go wrong' in their lives and in their families lives so they are slow to judge and they do not tend to harm others but support them back into good health. They also more willing to share those things that have gone perhaps a little 'wrong' and even heal others by doing so.

 

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I would make sure you make time for your friendships and your children, make things fun and enjoyable, not hard core, serious or stressful, all of the time!!

Being honest can sometimes feel hard, but if the message is delivered at the right time and place, in a way that is compassionate, so that they know you have their best interests at heart, they will be more likely to respond well and continue to share things with you.

Young men and women can feel so deeply that it is hard for them to cope with their deep feelings and emotions, and they may find it easier to bottle them up, than fully express themselves.

This is ok, if they have one or two trusted people that they can turn to and be honest with. If they can find a way to express themselves through creative arts like singing, and even dance or take their frustrations out on the sporting field, they are, I think, more likely to cope with complex relationship issues and other challenges, especially those that come from others who may be struggling as well.

For men and women of all ages and stages, it may be a case of them withdrawing if they don't feel they can trust people, their partners or their peer groups also, and need this work that we do at Resilience Rituals is needed more than ever. We all do this sometimes, but staying withdrawn is not a good outcome for them.

Innocent people try to act to ensure that things do in fact change for the better!

What is worrying perhaps is when no action is taken, that will change things.

It is important to address issues up front and communicate how others make others feel and why; and take the time and effort to do so, because  this explanation can literally change their understanding and lives through the perspective of another.

This can be done even financially where one party has control of the money and will not even provide them with a decent allowance, or give them access to enough of their own funds.

This is also why money matters must be taught to  young people, so that they know how to manage money and we encourage every individual not to pool all of their finances with someone else, but to be individually financially stable and resourceful, so they cannot be as easily manipulated or controlled.

This can happen to any of us...even those that at some stage in their life may have been flying financially, but who may have invested money into people or businesses or other things that may not be returning the investment yet, through no fault of their own...perhaps partly because of a pandemic even! Unexpected circumstances and events can change businesses and people's situations, and they can feel it heavily, financially and emotionally.

Perhaps their honestly and trust was taken advantage of and they lost a bit of confidence in themselves because they cannot believe that someone would treat them like that.

This could be kind of like the character Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, who is incredible, and who keeps fighting, loving and leading because she has to in order to survive. You could even liken it to 'The Matrix' where the main character comes up against psychological barriers and challenges and is in training almost to become the best version of themselves.

We can watch all of these films and take things from them and even love the heroine, or hero for different reasons, but we can all agree that they teach us things that matter and maybe save lives through their examples....we can walk away thinking, I would never do that, or I will work towards something similar.

Unfortunately too many challenges, along with lengthy mistreatment of a person, can wreck them a bit too much, on a soul level. Even a strong person, can struggle desperately like Katniss did in the film mentioned above. Think of our WW2 war veterans here also, God Bless their souls.

It is obvious that mental health issues can come from the mistreatment of a person.

The opposite is also true, when people are treated well, and empowered then they in turn, can choose to empower others and usually do. 

 

We tend to think of our partners ' I hope he is the man or woman that I believe him to be'.

If one happens to let the other down, hopefully they can 'flip it' and all is not lost (there is another blog post on this)....

HOWEVER....

Think of the movie Frozen....one man helps her and supports her to save her Sister and goes through all sorts of things to do so and accidentally ends up saving not only her, but gaining a best make friend and saving the kingdom. He is by her side and wants to be there, through anything.

The other one gets given the castle to look after while she is out busy, saving her Sister and the kingdom, and is trusted by her completely and innocently. He then takes advantage of that trust and becomes something rather horrible by acting in an underhanded way.

She does not like it one little bit once she realises (the problem could be sometimes is that she might realise who he really is, but others around her take his word for it that she is the problem, not him...more to come on this below).

No one's struggles are 'entertainment' that they should watch from the side lines.

Those living through big life changes can feel worried or concerned that they might lose something very important to them, because of how deeply it challenges them....even those with a sense of humor!! ; }

To those around them, they sometimes need to say something like: Are you in or out on me (and perhaps our family; if they are partnered and especially if they have children together)? Perhaps taking some time on your own, celibate even, being patient, asking questions & loving through hardship can really help.

If you are 'in', which is sort of what you signed up for when you married them or decided to be their friend, or adopted them into your life, then just how 'in' are you? Is it one foot in, one foot out? They will eventually know either way, and perhaps start resenting you if you don't back them in when it matters most.

I love the lyrics of a Savage Garden song which went something similar to this: I back you even if you get it wrong sometimes! Room for mistakes needs to be made in a relationship. Hopefully, they are caught quickly and rectified. If we were dealing with children, how might we handle it?

Their album was called Truely, Madly, Deeply and I love them for the lyrics in this album and for it's title. The lyrics are beautiful of the song with this title also.

If Next Gen Youth in particular, who are going to be leaders one day, are not backed in a healthy way, while they grow and learn and train, we can literally break their spirits. If this happens we can lose them to suicide or illegal substances and addictions to 'escape', which is a way of coping, which is absolutely devastating.

There is an animated movie called 'Spirit' that I suggest everyone watch, with a theme song by Bryan Adams which depicts how life's challenges can shape humans and animals for the better or worse. I adore this film especially for people 16 years and below.

Also, when I was young, I went to a Youth Group and they spoke about his a bit and played the Song 'Man in the Mirror' by Michael Jackson  which suggested that we could start changing the world, with the man or woman we see in the mirror, so perhaps by changing ourselves, we can also bring about change in others and in organisations and in creative arts and music, education and in our relationships also.

I also love Gaga's song from the movie Top Gun with the opening line 'Help me, lead me back....I wont let go 'til the end...don't you let go of my hand...I won't leave 'til I understand'....also she made a point of remaking Barbara Streisand's movie 'A Star is Born'.

I get all choked up thinking about Bradley Cooper's performance in this film...it was almost too good and many ball their eyes out. He was a singer and then she came into his life. He put everything he had into her, gave her everything...then the unthinkable happened, it is so worth watching.

I suggest you never pick on people's appearances or anything nasty about them as a person, or cling to them as though they are more special than you are.

People who are willing to listen better than others and hear information that can change lives and 'BE WILLING' to SHARE IT WITH OTHERS...and not withhold important information, especially information that could save others lives are so worth your time.

'Robbie even said it in the song "Feel': .....I need to feel real love and the life ever after....Come and hold my hand....not sure I understand..."

And then there is the film 'Ever After' & 'Tangled' for our younger generation (so hopefully no age group is missing these message from our incredible creators, singers & actors).

Harry Styles says in his lyrics 'What are we always stuck & running from...just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times....remember everything will be alright (thankfully!)'.

Sometimes, challenges come our way that are out or our control and are hard on many, and how we react really is the key and can save not only your own life, but other's lives.

I would add that everything will be alright if we work together and stick to our daily, weekly, monthly and yearly rituals and join forces in a way that focuses on solutions to local and worldwide problems.

As Aerosmith said, in 'I don't want to miss a thing'.....'every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure'.

Perhaps don't try and be someone else,  just perhaps be your TRUE SELF & give TRUE LOVE, made up of appreciation, honest feedback and gratitude to others you care for.

Real love has no boundaries and can be given to anyone, not just your married partner, but obviously honesty matters to stop potential jealousy and misunderstandings.

 

I suggest we all 'Love each other Hard' through it all. Relationships take unconditional love and the willingness to seek understanding, and spend time with each other.

However, no matter your vocation, Beyonce says in her clip, be careful and try not to  do this!

 

I maintain that two people who decide not to stay together in a married partnership can still remain good friends. In fact, this is imperative in any healthy married relationship anyway. I am not saying it is easy though.

This is important especially for the health and well being of their children, as not having good communication between ex partners can heavily impact upon kids and put too much strain on single parents if things are very strained between them.

Robbie later said in his song 'Love My Life'....I will never let go completely....one day your hands will be strong enough to hold me...I might not be there for all your battles, but you'll win them eventually....I am not my mistakes, and GOD knows I've made a few....I started to question the Angels, and the answer they gave was you....I cannot promise there won't be sadness, I wish I could take it from you....You'll find the courage to face the madness.

'I love my life....I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am free, I am wonderful, I am magical, I am me....Run far, Run free, I am with you....And finally I am where I want to be.'

I believe the song is about his relationship with his children.

We help people feel safe to be themselves, and not try and be anyone else, however, perhaps take on the values or qualities & rituals of those they admire for all the right reasons. IT IS POSSIBLE to change.

Please use your WIT, your intellect, your compassion and your patience and please also be gentle towards others. My advice is to treat them the way you would want to be treated as best you can, knowing you will make mistakes and this is ok.

Please communicate them, your mistakes that is, to the appropriate people and work on a plan to move forward in a way that works.

Have we covered everything? Probably not....

....but perhaps it is Just ENOUGH.

Breathe and relax as you are not expected to be perfect.

 

 

Perhaps it's time to grab our free resources so perhaps put your details in the box and join us now, rather than skirting around the edges...here is the link to our signature course

 

 

ANOTHER POWERFUL THOUGHT:

We can think of it like this, our relationship with anything living, is full of GOD's energy, as energy is what we all are...

....and what is created when we 'do' anything.  'Do-ing' things with the right intentions behind the action, (like this blog post perhaps, in order to help others) is what makes the difference.

No matter your religion, perhaps we can put our faith in other people, with caution, questioning and explaining as you go; keeping in mind that some religious teachings are embedded in our culture and society in ways we do not fully understand or comprehend, which is ok as they can be explored, debated and celebrated, which is healthy.

Our interpretation really matters. We have to be careful with the meanings we make in our thoughts and the resultant actions we take, along with what is said in stressful or challenging circumstances.

Join us here, we have your best interests at heart, we can assure you of this!

 

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