How To Have A Resilient Relationship

How to Save & Improve Your Relationship (of Any Kind)

We ask on our 'Signature Program' video, if you watch it through 'What does it take to have a resilient friendship, partnership (in business or life of any kind) or marriage?'

What does it really take to create a life long Marriage?

Or even if you decide to split up, how you can possibly remain good friends anyway.

Keep in mind when reading this that if someone feels let down, a good chat can help, and you may have to wait until they are ready. You may not know what is REALLY going on for them.

This information can help save any relationship, so please enjoy the read....and take extra care right now of those that matter most to you. Especially those you have long term relationships with.

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. ~Einstein.

We add here..."and can communicate well how they feel with consideration for the one listening".

So I ask you again, what is the secret ingredient to a good marriage or relationship of any kind?

Put simply, it is trust, built over time. What builds trust? Healthy debate and honest Communication.

Sometimes it is better to over communicate and repeat ideas and concepts until they become second nature (assuming these concepts are healthy, and genuinely serve). Also, making sure it is clear how these concepts translate into daily action and are understood well.

Communication can literally change the game!

Sometimes we need to ask people not to do something, and change course if more information comes to hand.

If you say you will do something, do your best to fulfill your promise.

If you cannot complete it for some reason, then perhaps do what you can to communicate why it didn't happen or better yet, more than likely won't happen and an estimated additional time frame (with a little slack included in case of issues arising that you didn't expect where possible), you should be able to now make it happen.

If you potentially need to solve the issue some other way, due to additional information that you find out, perhaps make sure you take the time to explain your plan of action, and then do your best to follow it through.

The point is that, you can increase trust by managing people's expectations.

Trust can be gained and lost easily. It is not something to mess with as it is harder to get back than you think, once lost. Therefore, we have to be careful how we react in the moment and do our best to give ourselves that 'pause', time to let the initial emotional surge that sometimes appears in us, relax a bit, and then choose our words and responses as wisely as possible....easier said than done sometimes, and no one is perfect at this.

Circumstances out of our control happen. Issues that arise must be communicated well to others, if it means we might let them down without meaning too.

Most would rather have the truth, which is sometimes hard to hear, than someone shutting them out. If you are upset with me, perhaps take your frustration out by exercising or by talking it out with someone else that you trust before approaching the actual person you have an issue with, and then, once this is done, perhaps communicate how you feel and be as up front and honest as you can to try and resolve it 'in a way that works' for all parties concerned.

A little bit of doubt around if you can trust someone is a scary thing (and it obviously does depend on the situation and environment you are in)....but trusting is hopefully worthwhile in the long run. Having faith in others is the best way forward (whilst paying close attention). Giving trust up front, can gain trust in return and result in them giving you theirs, if you show you care about them and their views and opinions, and act on these where it makes sense and is possible to do so.
Honestly & Integrity saves relationships, and can also save your life, along with other's you care about.

Having said this, it is wise to deliver this truth to people you can trust with it, at the right time, in the right way.

 

To answer our initial question at the top of the page, I have to say, it might be worth asking yourself the following questions perhaps:

Do I genuinely have the other party's best interests at heart & am I acting in a trustworthy and caring manner? Am I being honest when communicating & acting in an open & caring way? If not, why not? 

Am I the man or woman I know I can be (in the face of this challenge)? How can I do this?

Do I have a friendship at the base of my relationship (of any kind really and am I always treating them like they matter to me)?

Am I, on a daily basis, demonstrating (perhaps even to children) behaviour that makes a difference?

 

Many people forget that what forms the basis of any married or intimate relationship, is creating a best friendship first.

A sexual relationship should really come from this trusting behaviour.

A baby then, can also come from this, a coupling, a pairing and we have a responsibility to act in this little human's best interests always, which can challenge even the best of relationships.

Whilst reading this article, please note that there are so many genuine & kind people inside and out, male & female, in this world. The majority are trying to do the right thing by others.

Sometimes we just want to leap into the arms of someone safe, most likely someone we feel love for...think of the Movie 'Love Actually' in the famous and familiar airport scene!

At other times we want to almost melt into them, or snuggle closely into them, (or to quote Carrie Bickmore in Sex & The City, settle into 'The Nook', which, she explains, the bit under their arm, when lying down snuggled together, like in the photo above), because this person soothes us with their presence and somehow helps to manage navigate our way through life. Obviously this only applies if you are having an intimate relationship with them.

The opposite is true when people may be acting a bit underhanded. We may struggle to want to be intimate with them until the issue is cleared up, if it can be. It may be a bit devastating, when trust is eroded for some reason.

It can be re established though with daily commitments being met, along with proof that you are doing everything you can to make a desired outcome happen, perhaps like applying for a job, if you were to be made redundant or lost work for any reason, which can happen.

If a parent is seeing worrying behaviour, then perhaps spending more time with their children or their partner is necessary. Only when we to understand what is actually going on in their lives and their thinking by being with them more, can we fully understand what issues they are facing and the motives of the people around them.

Speaking of your own experiences and stories about similar issues you have faced over the years, can really help others feel 'better' while facing their own unique challenges.

However, if disputes exist and grudges are held and people are told things that undermine someone, it can become unhealthy and have negative mental health consequences (we have to be aware people can lose themselves in a relationship or in fear because they are not being treated well or there is just little communication, so misunderstandings can easily occur).

We have to keep in mind that questions need to be asked so healthy communication can occur as partners and extended family may not even mean to be doing the 'wrong' thing.  Information not being passed on, may simply be because they are so incredibly busy, which is why writing outings on a calendar or in devices so every family member can see it might help, and we. strongly suggest checking in with each other each night.

People could even secretly hold grudges about their friends or fail to visit them enough, but in reality, they may just be super busy and struggling to fit it all in. It could also be too much pressure on one person, especially if chores and food preparation is not shared inside a family unit. It might also be because they have issues we are not even aware of, on our minds which is taking up their headspace.

It can feel like people, even our own friends and family are ganging up on us, when there is actually no real reason for them to do so, or to perhaps even to feel this way!

It is entirely possible that with more rest, the smaller issues might de-escalate into a laugh.

Many go internal, in order to cope, and find it difficult to communicate how they feel.

Don't aim to be like everyone else or follow the crowd, feel free to be you (the healthy version)....and ask questions of those you care for.

A supportive relationship or two, healthy community groups like at some churches, sporting teams, work teams or other places you can find an enjoyable environment can really help people feel like they are part of something.

 

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Perhaps ensure that you make sure you make time for your friendships and your children, make things fun and enjoyable, not hard core, serious or stressful, all of the time!!

Being honest can sometimes feel hard, but if the message is delivered at the right time and place, in a way that is compassionate, so they know you have their best interests at heart, they will be more likely to respond well and continue to share things with you.

Men and women can feel so deeply that it is hard for them to cope with their deep feelings and emotions, and they may find it easier to bottle them up, than fully express themselves.

This is ok, if they have one or two trusted people that they can turn to and be honest with. If they can find a way to express themselves through creative arts like singing, and even dance or take their frustrations out on the sporting field, they are, I think, more likely to cope with complex relationship issues and other challenges, especially those that come from others who may be struggling as well.

For men and women of all ages and stages, it may be a case of them withdrawing if they don't feel they can trust people, their partners or their peer groups also, and need this work that we do at Resilience Rituals more than ever. We all do this sometimes, because staying withdrawn may not a good outcome for them.

Innocent people generally try to act to ensure that things do change for the better!

It is important to address issues up front and communicate how others make others feel and why; and take the time and effort to do so, because  this explanation can literally change their understanding and lives through the perspective of another.

This is also why money matters must be taught to  young people, so that they know how to manage money and we encourage every individual not to pool ALL of their finances with someone else, and be individually financially stable and resourceful where possible (understanding that there can be extenuating circumstances that occur sometimes).

This can happen to any of us...even those that at some stage in their life may have been doing well financially, but who may have invested money into people or businesses or other things that may not be returning the investment yet, through no fault of their own...perhaps partly because of economic or other global situations like the recent 2020/21 pandemic even!

Unexpected circumstances and events can change businesses and people's situations, and they can really feel it, financially and emotionally.

Perhaps their honestly and trust was taken advantage of and they lost a bit of confidence in themselves because they cannot believe that someone would treat them like that.

We can watch films and take concepts from them and even love the heroine, or hero for different reasons. We can all agree that they teach us things that matter and maybe even save lives through their examples....we can walk away thinking, I would never do that, or perhaps I will work towards something similar in my life. Even a strong person, can struggle.

When people are treated well, and empowered then they in turn, can choose to empower others and usually do, even just through their examples alone. You never know who you might be having a positive effect on. 

It is best not to say anything that could be considered a 'put down' about people's appearances or character, where it is possible to choose an empowering action instead.

People who are willing to listen better than others and hear information that can change lives and are WILLING TO SHARE IT when you know it could make a big difference, rather than withholding it, especially information that could save others lives, are so worthy of your time.

We tend to think of our partners: ' I hope he is the man or woman that I believe him to be'.

If one happens to let the other down, hopefully they can 'flip it' and all is not lost (there is another blog post on this)....

HOWEVER....

Think of the movie Frozen....one man helps her and supports her to save her Sister and goes through all sorts of things to do so and accidentally ends up saving not only her, but gaining a best make friend and saving the kingdom. He is by her side and wants to be there, through anything.

The other one gets given the castle to look after while she is out busy, saving her Sister and the kingdom, and is trusted by her completely and innocently. He then takes advantage of that trust and becomes something rather horrible by acting in an underhanded way.

No one's struggles should be considered 'entertainment' that they should watch from the side lines (unless it is actually depicted in a movie of course).

Those living through big life changes can feel worried or concerned that they might lose something very important to them, because of how deeply it challenges them (even those with a sense of humor!!) ; }

To those around them, they sometimes need to say something like: Are you in or out on me (and perhaps our family; if they are partnered and especially if they have children together)? Perhaps taking some time on your own, celibate even, being patient, asking questions & loving through hardship can really help.

If you are 'in', which is sort of what you signed up for when you married them or decided to be their friend, or adopted them into your life, then just how 'in' are you? Is it one foot in, one foot out? They will eventually know either way, and perhaps start resenting you if you don't back them in when it matters most.

We cannot help but like the lyrics of a Savage Garden song which went something similar to this: I back you even if you get it wrong sometimes! Room for mistakes needs to be made in a relationship. Hopefully, they are caught quickly and rectified. If we were dealing with children, how might we handle it?

Their album was called Truely, Madly, Deeply and is worth taking a look at, for the lyrics in this album and for it's title.

There is an animated movie called 'Spirit' that I suggest everyone watch, with a theme song by Bryan Adams which depicts how life's challenges can shape humans and animals for the better or worse. I adore this film especially for people 16 years and below.

The Song 'Man in the Mirror' by Michael Jackson  suggests we could start changing the world, with the man or woman we see in the mirror, so perhaps by changing ourselves, we can also bring about change in others (also in organisations and self expression pursuits like creative arts, music, even education and in all of our relationships also).

If you listen closely to Gaga's song from the movie Top Gun, the opening line 'Help me, lead me back....I wont let go 'til the end...don't you let go of my hand...I won't leave 'til I understand' which is a great attitude to have.

She also made a point of remaking Barbara Streisand's movie 'A Star is Born'.

Don't we all get choked up thinking about Bradley Cooper's performance in this film...it was almost too good and many ball their eyes out when they watch it. He was a singer and then she came into his life. He put everything he had into her, gave her everything...then the unthinkable happened, it is so worth watching.

 

'Robbie even said it in the song "Feel': .....I need to feel real love and the life ever after....Come and hold my hand....not sure I understand..."

Sometimes, challenges come our way that are out or our control and are hard on many, and how we react really is what matters and can save not only your own wellbeing and perhaps even 'life', but also other's wellbeing's and even livelihoods.

It is wise to add that everything will be alright if we work together and stick to our daily, weekly, monthly and yearly rituals and join forces in a way that focuses on solutions to local and worldwide problems.

Perhaps don't try and be someone else,  just perhaps be your TRUE SELF & give TRUE LOVE, made up of appreciation, honest feedback and gratitude to others you care for.

Real love has no boundaries and can be given to anyone, not just your married partner, but obviously honesty matters to stop potential jealousy and misunderstandings.

 

Perhaps Love each other through it all, as we are ALL feeling our way though situations and making mistakes here and there. Relationships take unconditional love and the willingness to seek understanding, and spend time with each other.

However, no matter your vocation, Beyonce says in her clip, be careful and try not to  do this!

 

It is possible that two people who decide not to stay together in a married partnership can still remain good friends. In fact, being best friends is imperative in any healthy married relationship anyway. It may not always be easy though.

This is important especially for the health and well being of their children, as not having good communication between ex partners can heavily impact upon kids and put too much strain on single parents if things are very strained between them.

Robbie later said in his song 'Love My Life'....I will never let go completely....one day your hands will be strong enough to hold me...I might not be there for all your battles, but you'll win them eventually....I am not my mistakes, and GOD knows I've made a few....I started to question the Angels, and the answer they gave was you....I cannot promise there won't be sadness, I wish I could take it from you....You'll find the courage to face the madness.

'I love my life....I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am free, I am wonderful, I am magical, I am me....Run far, Run free, I am with you....And finally I am where I want to be.'

I believe the song is about his relationship with his children.

We help people feel safe to be themselves, and not try and be anyone else, however, perhaps take on the values or qualities & rituals of those they admire for all the right reasons. IT IS POSSIBLE to change.

Please use your WIT, your intellect, your compassion and your patience and please also be gentle towards others. My advice is to treat them the way you would want to be treated as best you can, knowing you will make mistakes and this is ok.

Please communicate them, your mistakes that is, to the appropriate people and work on a plan to move forward in a way that works.

Have we covered everything? Probably not....

....but perhaps it is Just ENOUGH.

Breathe and relax as you are not expected to be perfect.

 

 

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ANOTHER POWERFUL THOUGHT:

We can think of it like this, our relationship with anything living, is full of GOD's energy, as energy is what we all are...

....and what is created when we 'do' anything.  'Do-ing' things with the right intentions behind the action, (like this blog post perhaps, in order to help others) is what makes the difference.

No matter your religion, perhaps we can put our faith in other people, with caution, questioning and explaining as you go; keeping in mind that some religious teachings are embedded in our culture and society in ways we do not fully understand or comprehend, which is ok as they can be explored, debated and celebrated, which is healthy.

Our interpretation really matters. We have to be careful with the meanings we make in our thoughts and the resultant actions we take, along with what is said in stressful or challenging circumstances.

Join us here, we have your best interests at heart, we can assure you of this!

 

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